Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Waking up

So, I am going to be mostly honest in this post - mostly because some things are not meant to be shared.

Anyway, I have been struggling with going up and WAY down in my moods ever since I have been having children. Sometimes I get better for a few months, and then I crash. Sometimes it is a day to day thing, where one day I am fine, and the next day I can't function beyond feeding my children because they make me.

Anyway, I am starting to realize that while I am going through a bad period, I am becoming very apathetic about spiritual things. I have stopped reading the scriptures, and doing personal prayer.

This week I have started to read the scriptures and having personal prayer with it each night. I am amazed, yet again, what the scriptures can tell you, when you need it, that have not jumped out at you before.

The last time I had been trying to read the Book of Mormon, I was trying to do the Hinckley Challenge, and ended up stopping at Alma 4 for some reason, I am not sure of. I was kind of mad at myself for doing so.

Now I am grateful.

There are several references in Alma 4 and 5 about being "awakened", and they really hit home to me. The following verse seems like it describes how I have been feeling very well.

Alma 5:7 Behold he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the dist of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word; yea, they were encircled about by the bands of death, and the chains of hell, and an everlasting destruction did await them.

For me, the big thing that stuck out was that they were "awakened ... out of a deep sleep". I feel like I have been in a deep sleep for the last 6 months, and now that I am trying again, I am being awakened.

In Relief Society on Sunday we were talking about how we get through our trials, and how do we help others. There was a quote from President Hinckley, which I do not remember correctly, but it talked about walking through the valleys to appreciate more the mountains. I can testify that having been through some deep spiritual valleys of my own that I can appreciate the high spiritual mountains more. And the remembrance of those mountains can help me get through those valleys.

I remember in college I had a big experience with this. Before I went to Monmouth, my good friend Sarah and I went to the temple grounds and walked around. The Lord gave me a wonderful experience on that trip so that I would remember. I didn't understand they whys until six months later, when I was in a deep valley, mostly not out of any choice of my own. But at that six month point, I had to make a choice, and I remembered that temple trip. If I had not done that, I would not have had the friendships I did after that. Some of you may or may not remember that, but I sure do. I am grateful that Trina was there when she was, even if she might not know how pivotal that time was for me.

As I am starting to climb out of my most recent valley, I am grateful for the remembrance of past experiences, and the times the Lord has been so loving as to show me his mercy. I know exactly who I am, which makes it even harder for me sometimes when I look back. But then I remember that we are given our choices to do with what we will. And that, like Alma the Younger, the harder the road for us, the greater the Joy we can feel. I am just amazed at how quickly I have been able to start feeling at peace again. I am humbled to know how much I am loved, in spite of my choices.

I just pray that my mountain last longer this time.


Alisha said...

Thank you for sharing. I feel the same way you do. Depression, mood swings, what not, they are hard to deal with and to keep the spirit with you on top of it all. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck to you, good luck to us all!

smiliesar said...

Liz- I sure hope you are able to have mo0re up days than down days. I love your idea to get in the scriptures first! I need to do that too. Thanks for the reminder.